I just graduated with my masters in music from San Francisco Conservatory of Music. I worked extremely hard for six years there. I worked hard on honing my craft, I worked hard in my academic classes, I worked hard in my chamber groups, I worked hard in orchestra, I worked hard period. There were many, many days where I had all work and no play. In a certain way, I wore it as a badge of honor. I might not be the best musician, but at least I’m one of the ones who practices the longest. I might not be the most intelligent person, but at least I’m one of the ones who studies the most. This way of living DID get me EXCELLENT grades in school and made 99% of my teachers very happy with me. BUT, it did not actually make me happy. It still doesn’t.

I went straight from graduating to the National Orchestral Institute. There is SO MUCH MUSIC to play here. It is easy to feel like even if I practiced all day everyday, I would still not play well enough here. However, practicing all day everyday has diminishing returns, and has serious consequences. I’ve been rather open about the fact that I have anxiety and a panic disorder. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can really crack the code on what makes the panic attacks always come back. I had one last night at intermission after playing Ravel Daphnis and Chloe. And of course, that was terrible, and I barely was able to play the second half of the program. However, between yesterday and today I’ve made some serious realizations about myself and my mental health that I think are very important.

1. Making sacrifices for music is something all musicians have to do at some point. However, I personally don’t ever again want to sacrifice my basic human needs for playing music. I need to eat well and multiple times in the day. I need to sleep 8 hours or more. And I NEED beautiful moments of human connection, EVERYDAY, not just on vacations. There are people who will think I should give up these things, and that was something I bought into for a long while. But, I now have decided that’s utterly ridiculous and I simply refuse to do it in the future. I MUST take care of my body, my heart and my mind.
2. I’m never going to play a perfect concert. That’s hard to swallow, but definitely true. Every professional I’ve spoken to has said that they leave concerts always thinking of something that could have been different. That can fuel more great art in the future, but not if we think it means we failed. The concert is never going to be a perfect masterpiece. Never. It’s going to hopefully be our best on that day, but it’s not going to be perfect. Every concert I’ve played for the past six years, I’ve left it thinking I failed in some way– large or small. But from now on I’m going to see small mistakes for what they are– part of the beautiful experience that it is to make music as an imperfect human being rather than a robot. Last night in Daphnis and Chloe I made a lot of mistakes– a lot– way more than I hope to ever make again in a concert. BUT I also had some extremely expressive and beautiful moments as a part of an incredible orchestra, and that’s the part I’d like to focus on. Can my left hand be faster? Absolutely. Can my string crossings be faster? Absolutely. But does that mean I completely failed on Daphnis last night? NO.
3. I want to have fun every day of my life. If I’d said that to myself a few years ago, or last year, or even last week I might have thought I was being irresponsible. But here’s the thing: life is way way too short to miss it only working. Am I going to suddenly become flaky and late to everything and not practice my part? No, absolutely no. BUT, I do think there is a balance between that and the uptight intensity I have lived with for many years. I think there is a way I can have fun everyday AND work hard everyday. I can live a balanced life full of achievements, but also full of fun.

I wrote the following letter to the students I TAed in english my first year of masters the week I graduated. I told a lot of them to give up fun to get good grades when I was TAing them. That is also what I told myself for many years… here’s what I said to them, and what I hope to remember for myself…

Dear precious College Writing students, 

Firstly, congratulations on finishing your second year !! Years of life give us wisdom, and this one gave me a lot. I’m leaving SFCM after six years and while I am proud of all I have been able to achieve here, I do still have regrets and wishes about moments that I missed. Getting good grades is awesome, and feels very seratonin inducing, but not as seratonin increasing as actually having great relationships. The best memories I have from college are the ones spent with friends, not the ones in the library or the practice room. I’m not saying don’t study or don’t practice — do your best and at least pass your classes— but go to the parties and go on the dates and spend time with the people you care about. Life is too short to miss it writing papers!!! (OR PRACTICING FOREVER!!!)

I’ll be rooting you guys on from Boston. 

With the biggest amount of love, 

Rachael Lindsey 

The best parts of life are the people we love and the time we spend with them. The best moments in life are the ones where we are laughing and enjoying ourselves and having fun. I used to think “fun” was irresponsible and reckless. But fun is one of the best parts of being alive.

MAY WE ALL HAVE SO MUCH FUN ! And may we also take care of our human needs and concerns, before we do the exceptional amount of work that seems to be an inevitable part of society. May we have balance and joy and peace and so much love, and I do believe that at least in my case that will give me a happier and a healthier life.