In 2019 (April 26th to be exact, because the internet remembers everything) I wrote a blogpost on this site entitled “What Chamber Music Has Taught Me About Love.” I wrote about how chamber music is hard precisely because love is hard, and chamber music cannot function without some version of love. I also wrote about how it was worth it. In the end of October, I found myself in the hallway next to Barbro Osher Salon crying while I told my teacher that I’d been trying to make chamber music work for ten years, and it just hadn’t. Maybe it was true that chamber music was hard but worth it and love was hard but worth it. However, maybe, for me, neither were possible. That was of course not a very happy headspace to sit in, but it did allow me to make some important discoveries about chamber music and about love. I made two important discoveries this past month.

First discovery was: I have to take care of myself if I’m going to love people properly. If I’m pushing myself to the edge everyday, I simply cannot be the kind of partner that enhances other peoples’ lives. It’s worth it to take the extra time to sleep well, eat well, exercise regularly, get all the good therapy that I need (even if it’s a lot), take my medications and change them when needed. It’s worth it because when I’m unhealthy, I’m not the only one that suffers. Of course, some anxiety always exists for me, and that’s how a lot of us with anxiety feel. No matter how many apples we eat, or how many times a month we see our therapist, we still have some anxiety. But managing anxiety is kind of like managing diabetes, we can’t just give up because it’s hard or inconvenient or because there is no real cure. We have to admit that we have an illness, an illness that won’t go away, but that we can manage it carefully so that we can have healthy and happy lives. For awhile after I was moved from an octet to a duo, I really felt like perhaps I was an impossible person to love because of my anxiety and my panic disorder. I thought that perhaps, I would never be able to keep a chamber group. I thought that perhaps, I would never be able to have a family of my own because of my anxiety and my panic disorder. But, after a lot of therapy, I realized that I can develop and maintain loving and healthy relationships, so long as I love and care for myself.

Second discovery was: Not every partnership is meant to be. It’s easy sometimes to beat ourselves up when we lose a chamber music partner, a business partner, a friendship, or a romantic partner. But, the fact is, not all puzzle pieces fit together. I do believe that apologizing and forgiving are really important regardless of the outcome. However, some chamber partners don’t have the same goals. They don’t want to play the same music, or they don’t want to play the same way. They don’t have the same dreams for performance. If there are small differences in these ideals, they can be overcome. But when there are huge differences, it is time to move on and find new partners. The same is true in business I am sure. If you have majorly different goals in a company, you might need to split into different companies or different teams. Romantic partners or potential partners can be exceptional people, and still not fit our lifestyles. Sometimes, even if we think someone is lovely, we have to let them go because they don’t quite fit into the puzzle of our lives. We can always have positive relationship with people even when things don’t work out, but we don’t need to try to keep every group or every relationship. Some aren’t meant to be, and that is a-ok. It took me years to figure that out. But, at least, I’ve figured it out now.

So yes, chamber music is really exceptionally difficult. Relationships (of all kinds) are really exceptionally difficult. However, they are still worth it and they are still possible– no matter what your personal struggles may be. We are all capable of and deserving of love, so long as we take care of ourselves and look for people who fit with our puzzle piece.