Starting my master’s degree program during COVID was so much harder than I suspected. Going to school without daily social interaction completely changed my ability to cope with my challenges. I’m not sure I realized just how extroverted I was until it was physically and legally not possible to be that way. I’ve been extremely careful. I don’t regret it because I’ve stayed healthy and I’ve kept the people around me healthy as well. But, doing what we must do to slow the spread of COVID is lonely and at times: heartbreaking.

This week I’ve cried almost every day. Why? I have to choose between seeing my family more or my chamber groups more in December, and there is no situation in which I can do both. I am 95% certain I will go home in Thanksgiving and therefore lose weeks of rehearsal, but I have cried so much over that decision. I don’t want to disappoint anyone I love, and I don’t want to have to quarantine from everyone.

Last week, I had to self-quarantine because I had a cold that was eventually proven to not be COVID. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Every minute I was in my singular room I wished I was with Yijin instead. I had been with her the entirety of COVID. Whatever unstable insanity was happening outside of our bubble, we had always had each other.

The past two weeks I finally had to face up to the fact that living during COVID just sucks. I’ve been trying to make lemonade from lemons for almost a year. But, here’s the thing, sometimes there is simply not enough sugar to make lemonade from the lemons of 2020. Sometimes, it is just not possible.

Today I went running in Kezar Stadium to deal with all of my horrible feelings about 2020. Why is it so unfair? Why can’t God end COVID? Why can’t they distribute the vaccine faster? Why did this have to be a part of human history anyways? Why did I have to live through it? Why is it that every time I get to the top of a personal mountain, there is another one? Why is life consistently emotional mountain after mountain after moutain, and where is the break in the climb? What do we do when we run out of hope again and again and again?

Here is what I determined. I don’t have any of the answers to those questions. But, if I made it through having melanoma and endometriosis, I ought to be able to handle 2020. Sometimes, there isn’t lemonade. Sometimes, you just drink straight lemons. But, if you’re strong enough, you can still survive on lemon juice.

I know a lot of people have it harder in 2020. I know there are people that are actually in the hospital, people that are dying. I wear a mask everyday, even when I’m running, to prevent more of us from ending up in those hospital beds. But, we’re allowed to feel exhausted. We’re allowed to feel angry. We’re allowed to be upset. This is a universally depressing time.

But, friends, we’ve still got each other. We can’t touch. Often, we can’t see each other anywhere except a screen. But, we’ve still got each other. We can still love each other. We can still hold each other with our hearts. I know I wouldn’t have made it through this semester without the many, many calls and facetimes with my mom. I wouldn’t have made it through this semester without the regular checkins with my whole family. I wouldn’t have made it through this semester without Dimitri consistently encouraging me. I wouldn’t have made it through this semester without Yijin’s unwavering support and kindness every single day. I wouldn’t have made it through this semester without my dear, beautiful friends Teresa and Emily and Kate. I wouldn’t have made it through this semester without my spontaneous, hilarious, fun and profound neighbors and buddies: Michail, Kieran and Nick. I wouldn’t have made it though the semester without my quartet’s support. I wouldn’t have made it through this semester without the dear College Writing students that I’m a TA for. This pandemic has helped me hold my relationships so, so dear. The ability to connect is one that I have taken for granted far too often.

Friends, we are strong. COVID-19 is a brutal beast, but we will eventually conquer it. 2020 is a complete disaster, but we will get through it. We’ve made it through our past obstacles, and reached the peaks of our previous mountains, so I know we can do this. I love you all so much. I’m here for you while we climb our mountains and survive on lemon juice.