The past few days have been tricky. When I wrote about joy being life’s most beautiful refrain, I expressed that I was in perfect health. It’s funny how quickly that can go from being true to being untrue. I had an abnormal growth on my face, and I wanted to get it checked out. It required a surgery that was supposed to be super duper minor, but ended up disrupting my productivity and my nutrition and my sleep and my attractiveness for 48 hours +. I’ve experienced all the emotions. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve gotten mad, I’ve asked God why. My most common prayer is “WHY.” When I grew up, I always asked my parents WHY. I always wanted to understand WHY. In a way, always asking why has made me a more intelligent and more empathetic person, but I’m sure the question gets tiring for those who have heard it most. The WHY always seems to be different. This time I think the WHY was to get me to appreciate my everyday life more. I’ve been getting a lot of inspiring input on gratitude from some close friends, from my therapist, from church activities; and I was really trying to put it into action. This surgery felt like a test. Could I be grateful when my lip was full of blood and bruised and making me look like a blowfish? Could I be grateful when I felt ugly? Could I be grateful when I was in pain? Could I be grateful when I was anxious and afraid that the complications would be worse than I had imagined? The answer to all of these questions was not always yes. I have looked in the mirror and cried. I have cried when my pain meds wore off in the middle of the night at 4 am. I cried when I went to the dr for the second time and they still couldn’t fix it. I have cried a lot. BUT I have also been reminded of the infinitely large amount of blessings I have that have not changed. My mouth is huge, my face is puffy, I can barely stick a straw inside my mouth to get some calories inside of my body, I can’t practice without bleeding, and every time I look in the mirror I get concerned that if they can’t fix this no one will ever love my face. It’s been A TIME.

BUT I have been so loved.

One roommate went with me to the dr, and another helped me cut food into small pieces so I could take my meds without getting sick.

My closest friend (and roommate) Yijin has helped me find inspiring and joyous songs every day to keep up my spirits, and has checked on me practically every hour of every day, whether she was home or at school. She always had a way to make me smile or laugh, even when I was on the verge of tears, and we have had some of our funniest moments in the past 2 days.

My mother called me several times, and even called my dr. She laughed at all my jokes, she supported me, she gave me ideas about how to handle the problem, and validated that staying in bed and watching Netflix would actually be a perfectly normal and ok response to having complications to a surgery (even a minor one). She has sent her love and support and heart emojis to me and even offered to fly me home.

My sister sent me some amazing gifs and expressions of love from instagram and I’ve received a lots of messages of support from social media and even from email. I moved a recording session, and even the recording engineer expressed a level of care I had not dreamed was even possible from someone I have not even met.

Friends have come to check on me in my apartment even when I’ve said I’m too ugly to see them, and people have given me the kindest and most necessary of hugs.

I’ve also been reminded how much I take for granted. I always hate on my face. I’m so mean to my face. And to be honest, after this whole experience, I’ve realized that my face is actually pretty ok on an average day. I actually CAN’T WAIT to see my normal face again. When I was having trouble finding things to be grateful for, I put up a new white board of “things I’m grateful for today” and the board has been too small everyday for everything that I have found to be grateful for.

I think having gratitude in difficult circumstances is not about enjoying the bad things or appreciating them, or even understanding the WHY. It’s not about seeing the bad things as part of a beautiful circle of life. Those sorts of lessons are never understood in the moment, and perhaps they’re not supposed to be. I think having gratitude in difficult circumstances is about seeing the wonderful amongst the terrible. It’s about seeing the small patches of flowers that pop up on rainy days. In the words of Anne Frank, who suffered more than I could possibly imagine or understand, gratitude is “thinking of all the beauty still around you and being happy.” Life is not perfect, but life IS beautiful. Life is especially beautiful, because of the beautiful people we meet that touch our lives.

To all the beautiful people in my life, thank you so much. You remind me that “the sun will (always) come out tomorrow.” (Annie)